In Which Guilt Becomes Suffocating

Dear Diary,

Ever since I was branded, the dreams haven't stopped. I wake up with my hands tight on the sheets and breathing heavily, as though I've been running, like dogs do sometimes when asleep. Vincent said the brand would keep me safe. He said he'd protect me, but even he can't drown out my dreams. Nothing can.

As the holiday comes nearer and nearer, I keep finding myself walking at stupid hours of the day to the church that Vincent, Israel, and Chantelle took me to. I don't even mean to go there, but it's better than staying at home, feeling the guilt on my skin like sweat. It doesn't matter how many showers I take, the feeling doesn't ever go away. And I swear there's a faint smell of blood in the air.

Israel is lost. I think we all are. You can't have this many powerful beings in one place and not have some sort of confusion. They're all just trying, it seems, to stay in control. I honestly think Chantelle is trying to keep everyone safe. I mean, she sent the spiders away and came to protect me, some human she didn't even know, from Loki and Robin.

Who does that for someone they haven't even met yet? She said she's somewhat responsible for driving Loki over the edge. He's the one I see in all my dreams. The sword slicing through him. The anger in his voice. The rage in his movement. It's too bad, with all this power around, you can't find a way to go back in time and stop what happened. I'm really not sure if I'll ever stop dreaming about it.

But Israel understands. I think he has the dreams to. I know he does. He's said so on more than one occasion. I'm not really sure that I believe in God anymore than I used to. Even with Israel being a fallen angel and all. The way he talks doesn't really encourage belief. It's just not a question I had ever really thought about. It's clear that there must be some sort of God, but what kind of father lets all this happen?

Vincent is sweet. But he looks at me like he's waiting for me to break. I'm not really sure how to convince him I'll be okay because I can't tell myself that. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow everything will be fine. I'll smile, I'll laugh, and I'll try to wake up without terror in my eyes.

Listen