In Which the Mummy Shoots Me Down

Dear Diary,

My heart still stung from giving the necklace to Chantel. Part of me, I don’t really know why, wanted to hurt her, wanted to show her that she wasn’t as in control as she thought. Part of this was her always thinking she could talk a situation to be like what she wants it to. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that rage inside me. Maybe it’s that she took Huntstone into herself. I don’t know anymore.

I looked for Ardath and found him playing with instruments in music class. I can’t say I miss going to class. But it’s interesting to see him attending. I always kind of figured him for the disinterested type. Anyways, I asked him to talk to me after class, and he did.

That’s when I asked him to help me kill Leanne. She wasn’t supposed to be here and she’d done nothing but make all of our lives harder. And I knew he had once wanted her gone. But he just looked at me, laughed, and told me to let it go. Told me to get over it. That he had learned that things were worth forgetting about, and Leanne was one of those.

Something about him seemed different. Every since we made Vincent normal again. Not that I’ve seen him much, I mean, we’ve never really talked or gotten along, but I thought I would find an ally in him in terms of taking out Leanne. But I didn’t. I must’ve looked a little shell shocked, because I certainly felt that way, and then I did something I never really do. I insulted him, told him he was weak. And I believed myself. What’s wrong with me?

I was so pissed. I stormed off and walked into the school to get shit from my locker. Some of the TNT people I had made Robin gather showed and asked me some questions. Somehow, they think I know what I’m doing. I don’t. I have no idea what truths to tell them or how to help them. I just want to. I don’t want them to end up like me. Why Robin is actually helping… well I don’t know.

Then I ran into Israel. He looked pissed off too. One thing I love about him is he usually feels the same way I do. Maybe a bit differently and for different reasons, but he always seems to be a mirror. We’re both sad at the same time, or happy, or hopeless. He’s a good friend to have at the end of the world. We chatted about what was pissing him off. Apparently Chantel. And Leanne.

I smiled and asked him to kill Leanne with me. I didn’t even need to give reasons. He just agreed. There was a moment when I felt things shifting a little, like somehow Israel and I, who had always been more of the good ones were becoming something new and awful. The hunger in me for destruction and anger, to release it all, stirred and I nodded. This was going to happen.

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In Which A Sickness Stirs Inside

Dear Diary,

There was a meeting at the high school in the sound room. All the monsters were there, including me. Leanne’s at our school again, not really sure why or what she wants. Chantel says she has her under control but whatever. You can’t control someone like Leanne. She’s probably just here to watch us all burn.

Dean was there. Ardath too. Vincent wasn’t. That’s good. He’s normal now. It needs to stay that way. The meeting didn’t go great. No one really agreed, from what I heard. I can’t seem to stay focused anymore. Everytime people start talking to me about things I should care about, it’s like this fog descends and I’m left feeling like I can’t bring myself out of it. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just done. I feel done. Like something’s coming to an end no matter what I do.

After the meeting, Caleb talked to Chantel and I went off to talk to Ardath. I wanted Leanne gone. I wanted her dead and gone before she could hurt more of us. It was such a sudden feeling of anger I knew I had to do something about it or else it would just eat away inside of me and I’d end up hurting someone else. I don’t know where the anger comes from. It just consumes me.

As I went to talk to Ardath, Chantel grabbed me and asked if I had the necklace Vincent had given me. It hadn’t been destroyed in the banishing act so I said yeah. She asked for it. Everything inside me told me not to give it to her, but I didn’t want her to see me hesitate. It was better if everyone thought I hated Vincent. Even him.

So I gave her the necklace. I can’t imagine what she’ll do with it. I felt like I was giving away a part of me. But it was only for a second and it just seemed to fuel the fire inside me. Elliot never said there’d be rage like this. Chantel mentioned he was a hunter before. A smart person would talk to him about it. But fuck it. I’m tired of asking for help.

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In Which Nothing Is Worth It

Dear Diary,

I can’t really figure out what I’m doing. Everything I start doing seems to fall apart or turn to shit. Maybe that’ the gift of being a hunter. Any connection you have to the world will eventually turn to fire and burn you. I just want to hold on to something and know it won’t fade or disappear. I want to cling to the last threads of my old life.

I’ve worked pretty hard to make sure Vincent doesn’t remember what happened and to give him a chance to be a normal human teenager. Why bring him into this world? He’s better off and so am I, I guess. But I miss him. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him.

At school, I started up the Teens Need Truth group. I don’t know what to do with them, really, but I guess the first meeting is on Friday. Red Cap asked me what he could do to help. I honestly think that he’s as lost as I am and just needs someone. Maybe he wanted that someone to be Ardath, but our resident jack ass is only interested in himself. Or at least I thought so until Vincent.

I feel bad for Red Cap. I freed him and he’s still just slightly empty. Whether the others understand him or not doesn’t matter, because part of me does. The fact that Leanne showed up at school though really pissed me off. She has no right to be there. Her presence has just done so much damage and she’s hurt Israel so much. I don’t care what Chantel says.

Chantel. My best friend. I feel like we’re worlds apart now. There’s more to her and less of her now. She’s changed but I can’t describe how. I just know it’s something I’m not going to like. She made an announcement at school about supernaturals behaving themselves at school and there was a meeting in the radio room. No one seemed pleased. There were some arguments about who should be in charge. I want to believe in Chantel, but I just feel like she’s gonna do her old show of making things worse before they get better. She likes to complicate things. But I don’t know what to do. I know she won’t listen to me and I’m out of words.

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In Which The Past Bites Back

Dear Diary,

I’ve never felt so alone before. I’m still friends with Chantel. Especially after she explained what happened with Tobias. I guess it wasn’t her fault, I can’t really blame her for what she herself didn’t do. But our friendship isn’t really the same anymore. It’s changed. I don’t trust her like I used to, even though I want to. But there’s this rotten sickness in my stomach that makes me feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.

I’ve been keeping an eye on Vincent. I want to make sure Samael is gone for good. That Vincent can keep on going in this world. I know I barely am. Every day I wake up, I feel like I would’ve rather never opened my eyes. It just seems like any drive I had disappeared when Vincent didn’t remember me, when I didn’t need this power I killed for.

When I was watching him after school the other day he came up and spoke to me. It was awkward and awful and I couldn’t look at him. I still can’t. All I see is him with that stupid knife. He asked me out for coffee. God. How can I do this? How can I not be in his life when all my instincts keep screaming to run to him and have him hold me?

I told him to stay out of my life and left. I’ll have to be more careful in the future. I need to show him that I can’t be with him. That he’s not welcome in my world. I don’t know how. I guess I’ll just need to be with someone, anyone, just so he’ll back off. It can’t be Caleb, though, because he’s friends with Vincent. Fuck. What the hell am I writing? This is just crazy. It’s all so messed up.

And it’s all my fault.

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In Which a Purpose is Found

Dear Diary,

I got out of bed for the first time in a few days today. Sure, I keep missing school, but no one’s really said anything. I mean what could they say? No one cares if I miss a class or not. My dad doesn’t even answer the school’s calls. I keep thinking I’ll show up and be sent to detention, but so far, no one’s even asked or blinked about what I’m doing.

I went to school today. When people asked how I was, I ignored them and kept going on. Why would anyone ask? They don’t care. They don’t want to know the answer. It’s just better not to answer. But Mr. Erasmus says that it’s normal. I was sent to see him my second week back to school. He’s trying to focus me. To tell me to find something new to focus on, something I can push myself with.

Every day I stare at myself in the mirror and just see someone hollow and empty. There’s nothing inside there anymore. Maybe it’s why I don’t really care that nothing will be right ever again. It’s my own doing. Might as well kiss the devil and let the world end, right? Does it really matter if people will get hurt? If the supernatural continue to run this town?

Chantel says it does. I’m not convinced but I guess she probably knows better than me. She keeps talking about getting people together and making sure things stay in order. I nod and make noise in the right place, but I think she’s still doing things ass backwards. You can’t fuck Leanne one day and then scold the other monsters the next.

Mr. Erasus told me to get involved in a student group since I had dropped out of volleyball and everything else I was involved in. I had one more year to make my application look great. He said a student group would help Mom would want me to go somewhere good. Like Yale. That dream that’s so far away.

So I took his advice. Today I’m going to school. Today I begin the process of starting my Christian youth group: Teens Need Truth. It’s not what it seems and that’s fine. It’s for people like me. People who’ve seen the truth and can’t be alone anymore. I’ll teach them what I can, keep an eye on them, know who to protect from things that go bump in the night.

And then there’s Vincent. I’ve been keeping an eye on him when I’m at school. I go to his practices and watch from the bleachers while I study the book Elliot gave me. I’m supposed to call him. To check in. But I’m done checking in with people. I’m done with playing by the rules of someone else’s game.

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